My daughter’s friend commented once to her, “your mom always wears beige.” What? Offended. So not true. How dare he remark on my attire wrapped up in one color. Does he not know there is a difference between beige, khaki, stone and camel?
There are four colors to my neutral palate, thank you very much. I must say though, in all honesty, these not-really-a-color colors look fairly nice on me.
Nice. Soft. Neutral. Warm. Serene.
Neutral territory when color will not do. Kind of like the Switzerland of my closet.
I tend to go to these shades often. Sometimes I do this so I can blend in with the wall. And become a wallflower. You know, one who blends in so much that he or she is no longer seen.
There are no risks involved whatsoever when I wear a monotone fabric. I can easily fade away into the backdrop.
I mean, to throw on a color–I risk being noticed.
No thank you, I would rather be invisible.
Isn’t being invisible one of the superpowers many people, when questioned, desire most? To be invisible. But, why? Why on earth would one want to observe the actions of others without being seen? This perplexes me.
The invisible barrier of beige.
Invisible in a sense because others don’t recognize I have placed barriers around me.
I am beginning to realize that this desire to be unnoticed is a result of good, old fashioned, shame. Shame desires me to hide out while in plain sight.
Adam and Eve did this in the garden when they recognized they were naked–because of their shame, in fear, they hid.
I’ve been studying this one-syllable word for some time now. Shame is as complex as we humans are, and I cannot come close to explaining in this one post the vast complexities involved. I can say though with absolute confidence that shame destroys our true identity.
Shame covers me in diminished feelings of myself.
And because I feel less, I begin a vicious cycle to attempt to cover this up. For me, I attempt to fade away by blending in so no one is the wiser to my less-than-valuable, negative self worth.
Unfortunately, the shame does not disappear. No, not at all.
I am the one who eventually disappears.
The real me. The one God says I am.
It is scary to come out from behind the wall of shame.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. (Psalm 34:4-5 NIV)
For today, I decide on a nice watermelon color. It’s a start.
Josie Barone 